My husband James and I have been married for 7 years and in 7 years our one goal was to become parents. The sooner we could start planning and making that dream become reality, the happier we would be. I had no idea Infertility was a thing or that we would have issues. The question “Why Me” has been asked and I still ask that question. Every year our resolution is to have a baby. That’s our wish, the one thing our hearts desire for is to be a Mommy and Daddy to our very own children. We have a fur daughter Aubrey but we would love nothing more than for Aubrey to be a Big sister.
We had a hunch that this year would be “Our Year”, the year that our dream would in fact come true. The New Year started and we knew our appointment with a Specialist was around the corner. The day arrived and it’s time to see the Specialist. We had high expectations and knew that we would get answers. I’m also aware that I’m a week late. I’m listening to the doctors but as I sit and listen, I keep thinking “I’m Late.” I try not to get my hopes up, which is harder than you think. I’ve peed on sticks and always see Negative, the heart wrenching negative sign. So, I stay away and just be patient.
We continue our day to day as normal, like any other day but can’t help get excited knowing that this our “Moment.” I continue praying and keeping my faith. I knew that even if I peed on a stick regardless it was way too early. So, we wait and try to be patient. I sense and feel my body changing which is something new. That is definitely something I’ve never experienced before. Every day we get a little more excited and our hopes get a little higher. I still have the “What If’s” playing in my head but I keep my faith and just let those thoughts go away.
The time is now February and we continue to be patient. We wait. The day of February 10th, everything changed. I miscarried! I’ve experienced pain but nothing to this extent. The one question “Why Me” is asked over and over. My bleeding last for 3 1/2 weeks and doesn’t stop. I finally agree to go to the ER. The ER trip ended up being a useless and pointless waste of energy and gas. I mean let’s face it, when you have river of blood poring out of you and not stopping. That’s energy that you don’t have, which no energy means you’re weak. I never saw a doctor but I saw a nurse practitioner whose bedside manner was rude and callous. She did tell me that the ER was for life or death situations. Did she really just say that to me, is what I was thinking.
I’m drained, I’m weak, walking long distances is pointless. Laying in bed drowning my pain in tears. I ask “Why is this happening to me?” I scream in the bathroom “God Why” is this a test that I have to take? I call my Mom everyday and every day she asks “How are you?” I’m coping. My mother has experienced this and knew the pain, my Mother almost died. She miscarried at 4 months and was hemorrhaging. I knew I wanted my Momma, I wanted and needed her. My emotions were all over the place and looking back, I don’t remember.
My Dad called me and said that my Mom was flying out to be here with me and James agreed that it was the best decision. My Mom would be here with me for my doctors appointment. My Mom arrived on Wednesday and my appointment was the very next day. I looked at the Ultrasound and felt numb. Normally, woman see their little baby and it’s the happiest day. I looked at the screen and saw an empty womb. Our baby was and should’ve been there but it was empty. I kept looking and saw where it should’ve been but nothing. My Momma held my hand as I cried. The doctor talked but what she said, went in one ear and out the other. We left and all I could feel was defeated.
My Mom was here with me for several weeks as I began to heal. I knew I had a long road ahead and sometimes it felt like an eternity. The weeks while my Mom was here, I tuned out. I was here but I wasn’t. My heart was broken, My wish and dream of becoming a Mother seemed bleak. The dream of carrying a child of our own, seemed like a dream and nothing more. I was just coping. I was Angry. My heart ached watching any baby videos. My Mom held my hand and hugged me. She was here to help me recover but we both knew it wasn’t going to be easy. My Mom left and I felt ALONE.
I went on and lived each day like any other day; wake up, drink coffee, read and so on and so forth. I slapped a fake smile on my face knowing that I was in pain felt dead on the inside. I just went on about my business and shoved every ounce of pain I had to the bottom and coped. Usually, the healing process begins when you can love yourself and I hated myself. I would look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I didn’t see Beauty, I saw Ugliness. I didn’t see the Andrea my husband married, I didn’t see her. I was depressed and knew I had to do something.
I knew my nephew Tanner would be graduating and knew that I wanted to be there if I could. I talked to James and we both agreed that I needed to go home and work on me. A lot of people asked “Why I was home visiting and Why so long?” I went home yes to see my nephew Tanner Graduate but the real reason was for me. I needed to work on me and start the healing process. Anytime in life I always had family and friends to pull me together. James is my #1 fan and has been by my side. He has been very patient and I know me being away from him was hard but he knew I needed this time away to heal. While I was home, I was able to be with my Momma for Mothers Day. That day was a reminder that our little Whovian, was in heaven and not in my belly. I cried and my heart was in so many pieces but like anything else, I went on about my day.
I scheduled an appointment with my doctor, while I was home. He confirmed what doctors could only dance around and not answer out here. He confirmed that I did miscarry. I finally felt like someone was truly listening to me and hearing me out, instead of stringing me along. I felt a sigh of relief but deep down I knew my little Whovian wasn’t with me. I know he or she is in heaven but that doesn’t help with the sense of loss or grief. That day I knew I was on the right path and was ready to heal. Each day I was getting stronger and feeling like myself again. I can say that the Mountain I had to climb to get to where I am now, I wouldn’t have been able to do without; God, my husband James, my family or friends. They are my support group. When I ask for prayers, I know I have people who genuinely take time out to say a prayer. There is power in prayer if you believe. I thought all hope was gone and my faith was shattered. All the prayers and encouragement helped me and got me through this.